“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” The first time I was asked this was two weeks after I quit drinking. It took me completely by surprise because 1) I was at a work event and 2) these people didn’t really know how much I liked my wine because it was a relatively new job. All they knew was I was in my 30s and had just asked for seltzer rather than gulping the free Pinot Grigio like the other two women who had managed to make it into the room.
I really didn’t want people thinking I was pregnant, and going ahead and having a drink would dispel that pretty quickly. But I also knew I’d be mad at myself if that was the reason I drank after going two weeks without. I think my reaction at the time was “Uh, no…” with a deer-in-headlights stare. Smooth.
Now you may not be planning on staying alcohol-free past January and that’s fine. For me, I knew I wanted to make it a longer-term commitment, but either way, discussing your drinking habits at a work event is not the best move, professionally.
Deciding to give up alcohol, whether for a period of time or forever is both easier and harder you think it will be. For most people, it’s physically not that bad and you get over the cravings pretty quickly. But it is so ingrained in our culture that it can be tricky to learn how to go about life without it. Slipping up tends to make us beat ourselves up, when the reality is, we just needed to be better prepared. Here are my favorite ways to be prepared for the tricky drinking pressures that can arise.
The Pregnant Pause
This one is so common I don’t even have the energy to get mad about it anymore. While I still believe it’s really strange to inquire about the status of another person’s uterus, I’ve come to the conclusion over time that people just get excited about the prospect of babies and aren’t actually trying to ruin my career or “out” me as sober.
So, in a work situation, I tend to say something like, “Nah, it’s a work event. I want to be at the top of my game.” Generally, that will make them insecure enough that they back off, but if they point out that you’ve drank at these things in the past, just say you know that, but you’ve recently realized that you can make these events more useful to your career if you stay sharp.
If it’s someone in your social circle, you can say you are doing Dry January if you want, or you can always just say you are on antibiotics, have to be up early, or just plain, “I don’t feel like it tonight.” In either situation, if people persist in saying you are pregnant, just shrug and say “Wait nine months. You’ll see.” That usually bursts their bubble.
Who the hell throws a party in January? Don’t they know everyone is attempting to deprive themselves in some way??? Assholes.
But they do happen. People still have birthdays and baby showers and engagement parties etc. Not drinking is no reason to stop celebrating happy moments in the lives of those you love. Parties are a really neat way to experience a couple of the unexpectedly cool things that happen when you stop drinking:
You enjoy people more – I know that sounds really weird, especially as someone with social anxiety I didn’t really believe it at first. But drinking really took my focus away from the people I loved. I was busy thinking about drinking. Thinking about what I would drink, and when I would get the next one. Was I keeping pace with those around me? Could I have as much as I wanted? How much was weird? When should I go home? Etc.
When I took that off the table, I just focused on those around me. I was able to listen to their stories and keep in the spirit of the thing we were celebrating, whatever it was.
You can catch a buzz off other people – I noticed this after the second party I went to sober. While laughing and telling stories with some friends who were definitely tipsy, I realized, “I feel a little drunk. I’m acting a little drunk.” But not in a bad way. I was telling stories a little more loudly and laughing a lot. That was one of my favorite things about drinking. That feeling of silly reveling. But that never happened when I did it at home alone. It turns out it wasn’t the alcohol at all giving me that feeling. It was people I loved. Cheesy, yes but a very exciting discovery.
The Friend in Need
So, you’ve been rocking the alcohol-free thing for a week or so and are feeling pretty good, when all of a sudden your best friend texts that she is having a crisis and she is on her way with a couple of bottles of wine. This is a tough one because you really do want to be supportive, and the last thing you want to do in the midst of her pain is to make her feel guilty for drinking.
I get it, and this may be one of those situations where you feel like you MUST get a pass here right? Not necessarily. As someone who has been sober for almost four years, I can tell you that there is no situation that actually requires you to drink. Your drinking will not make her situation any better. Your words will. Your friendship and encouragement will.
This is a boundaries thing. It is not selfish to say you don’t want a drink. I do like to have some good dark chocolate or ice cream around so I can offer that if they don’t want to drink around me but do want to indulge. Or hell if it makes me feel better to have some Godiva while they drink their wine, so I don’t feel deprived, so be it. (Sugar, though it’s another devil, can be a useful thing in the early stages of quitting drinking. It lessens the cravings for alcohol.)
If this is your best friend or a close friend, hopefully, you can feel comfortable telling them you aren’t drinking right now. Sometimes we don’t’ want to tell our closest people because we don’t want to be embarrassed if we fail. But these are the people who are rooting for you to win. They won’t judge you. They will try to help you. Let them.
Tell them you are 100% here for them and to come in and tell you all about what happened to them. When they indicate the wine, that’s your cue to say, “I’m taking a little break from drinking right now. It’s just a month but it’s important to me. I think it will make me feel better. You go ahead though!” Then shift the focus back to them. Your support and camaraderie will be the same as if you were drinking. It’s like what I said above about catching a buzz. You will act that way out of habit. But maybe a little bit less sloppy. A little bit less selfish.
90% of the time this will be enough. Unfortunately, if you happen to be someone who is only friends with other heavy drinkers, sometimes they will fight you a little bit on it. This says more about them than it does about you. People who are concerned about their own drinking may start pressuring you or justifying their drinking. For those people, I always just said, “Oh you should do whatever works for you! For me, this is what feels best right now.” If they can see that you are not judging them, they will usually relax. (Note – for this to work, you sincerely need to be NOT judging them. Keep your eyes on your own paper, so to speak.)
The shitacular day
But what about when you are the one in crisis? Sometimes you just have one of those days where you step in a slush puddle on your way to work and everything goes downhill from there. Every tiny thing goes wrong and your children are being less than magical to boot. You finally get them to bed with the ease of bathing a feral cat and you feel like you just fucking deserve a drink.
I get it. I really do. Your nerves feel fried and you just want to soften the edges of everything. Or maybe black it out altogether and start again tomorrow.
This is where you need to know what else makes you feel better. Sometimes that involves trying some new things. I personally think you can’t go wrong with a bath and a call or text to your best friend. But it’s also really helpful to have someone who knows you aren’t drinking and who can support you in that. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your friends and family, there are so many amazing resources online. Instagram has actually become a surprise favorite of mine. Look up hashtags like #sobermom #soberissexy #sobriety #wearetheluckiest #sobercurious You can also find me on there @theanonymousmommmy and check out some of the people I follow.
Get a little encouragement and it can get you through the day.
Why it’s worth it
Drinking has a cumulative effect on the brain. You are pouring a depressive on it every time you do it, and over time, drinkers experience higher levels of depression and anxiety. Beyond the repairs happening in your liver, your limbic system, etc., you just start feeling a whole lot happier. Like, ridiculously happy. You may not be able to stop talking about it.
Do you remember how as a kid you had a ton of energy and used to get randomly excited about small things? That comes back. And you start doing more. You go to places other than bars. You do silly things like bowling or mini-golfing, or beautiful things like going to a botanical garden or a museum.
Or just hanging at home with your kids starts to become really enjoyable. Because you aren’t watching the clock, waiting for them to go to bed so you can drink. You aren’t waiting for the fun and relaxation because they are the fun and relaxation.
This may all sound ridiculous and exhausting right now, but it’s right around the corner. I hope I’ve made it a little easier for you to get there. I have three more posts coming to take you through the rest of the month (and maybe beyond?) so be sure to subscribe below so you don’t miss out!